Emotional Abuse and leaving it

I have a friend who used to live here in Tennessee with me, but when her husband lost his job at a local factory for punching the daylights out of another worker, they packed up and moved out west to where his family was.

At first, it seemed like a great idea. Her in-laws seemed supportive and were willing to help them out some. They helped them find an apartment, get employment and started spending time with their young grandson.

Recently I got a disturbing message from her that he's been hospitalized for mental issues. She's been trying to leave him. Too poor and without her own stable income to file for divorce, she has been saddled with him yet again. His family has become less supportive, I think in some hope that she will take care of him so they don't have to.

I often wonder why so many really good people surround themselves with these horribly abusive, mentally ill or co-dependent people. “Co-dependency” was such a buzzword ten years back, but I think there is still great value in the concept.

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

Dependency and co-dependency are hard situations to break yourself from. You always hear about people who break their dependencies on drugs or alcohol and we applaud them for their efforts. What we often do not hear about is emotional dependency and financial dependency and it's ugly big brother codependency. I'm afraid the system does not reward those who are brave enough to break out of it.

No one wants to admit that their loved one is emotionally dependent or codependent and addicted to another person for survival. In my friend's case, few are going to pat her on the back when she gets this blood sucking leech off her except maybe me. What she will hear is the “it's such a shame your marriage didn't work out” or “I wish you guys could have worked it out” or the ever popular “maybe if you had been a better wife, maybe he would have been a better husband”.

The mentally ill are quite charming people, especially the bipolar ones and manic depressives. When on a “high” cycle they are energetic, inventive and delightful. You can't help but fall for them. Then when they crash, they generally mope around and it's not that big of a deal until you want to leave them. In my friend's case, she left and he went off his rocker so bad he's hospitalized. What exactly can she do? This is his first time of really proving himself a danger to himself or society. Even though she and I have known for years he's an emotionally abusive and physically abusive cad, he's never been arrested for assault. Nothing is documented. It's now a case of he-said-she-said, and if she tries expose his past abuse, she'll likely be accused of making it up in front of the divorce judge.

What in the world do you do in a situation like this?

1. Realize that you have been in a situation of emotional abuse and it's okay to leave it. Forgive yourself for making mistakes-- don't kick yourself in the butt for staying so long. You are a worthy person.

2. Plan for when it's best for you to get out. It may not be today, but it may be next year or four years. Do you need an education? Do you need a job? Enough money saved up to get out? Figure out what is best for you.

3. Set your goals and stick to them. You are the only stable thing in your life. Don't let their instability keep you from your goals.

4. Keep an accurate journal of all occurrences, witnesses and proof. You never know when it may come in handy. I used to write in spiral bound notebooks that were locked away, but I've known others who have secret journals kept on private blogs. I also know that over time, abusive people try to convince you that things that happened in the past were viewed incorrectly by you. You may begin to doubt yourself because you forget little details. Having everything written down helps you remember all the little details.

5. Keep copies of your important documents somewhere safe. If you ever do need to leave quickly to save your own life, you'll need copies of your banks accounts, credit cards, drivers license etc.

6. Get a line of credit in your own name and keep it up to date. It will help you improve your own credit score and you never know when you may need it to eat on, get an emergency hotel, or gas to escape. If you don't have a private checking account, get one. The abuser cannot get to your personal earnings and savings that way.

7. Make sure that things you pay for, you have your name on. Nothing sucks more than making car payments, then finding out later the title was in their name only. If you take that car very far, they can accuse you of grand theft. It also sucks to try and kick someone out of your apartment or home, only to find out that it's all in their name. Be sure of what you own and don't own, the rights and responsibilities for each.

8. Talk to a lawyer about your other legal rights, or at least do a lot of research online.

9. Talk to a therapist. Your abusive person may not want you to because they fear you telling all the dirty secrets to them, but this is something you need for your own mental health. Understand that a therapist isn't there to fix you. That's not their job. What they do is ask you lots of questions and let you come to your own conclusions. They will help you find your own answers. The other thing great about a therapist? They aren't family or friends who will try to influence you or gossip. A therapist is bound by confidentiality laws.

10. Know what your insurance benefits are. This is important if your abuser is the sponsor and you are the beneficiary. Can they get you off their insurance with a simple phone call? Or must they show divorce papers?

11. Accept that your abusive person's family may or may not support you when you leave. Often they know that person is abusive and they are hoping you will keep on supporting them so they don't have to take any responsibility in it. If there are children involved, understand they may or may not help with the children at all.

12. Understand that it may get a whole lot worse before it gets better. Abusive people often go off the deep end when you leave. They try getting you back with guilt trips, emotional manipulation, violence, threats or finances. If children are involved, they may try to use the kids too. Be prepared for anything and plan accordingly.

13. Find out what would happen if you took you and your children out of state. One friend of mine was physically abused and she took her two children out of state. The husband called the cops and had her arrested for kidnapping. She had not notified any family or friends where she was going. That was a big mistake. If she had notified her family first, told the cops where she was going, went to a domestic abuse shelter, or asked a lawyer about it first, she might not be paying a huge amount of child support to children she are not allowed to see until they turn 18.

14. Understand that you cannot ask for child support in most states until you file for separation and/or divorce. You must have a temporary hearing for the judge to award the child support payment. If you are counting on child support to help pay for you and your children, think again. If they quit their jobs in protest, refuse to work, or do something equally as ridiculous, you can't get water out of a stone. Child support is determined according to their income, your income, the number of days spent with the mother, the number of days spent with the father. A man making minimum wage may only have to pay 150 to 200 a month. That's not even enough to cover the cost of school lunches for a month, medical co-pays and some groceries.

15. The only way for a “free” or so called “cheap” divorce is for both of you to agree on everything and sign without use of a lawyer. Abusive people will NOT sign easily. Most divorces will cost 1500.00 to 2000.00 per person upfront, paid as a retaining fee to your lawyer.

16. Network. The best thing you can do is make your own circle of friends and family. Abusive people often limit you to their friends, their family, their coworkers-- things they can control. You should always have your own friends, networks and support systems that they have NOTHING to do with.

17. When it's all over and done with... try not to get into that same situation again. Statistics show that abused people often fall back into familiar territory because it's what they've always known. Make new goals for yourself and stick to them. You're worthy and deserve great things.